Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
