i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
