Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
