if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Your penis caused this!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize