It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
