My brain says no but my pants say off.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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