Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
