I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
