I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
