It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
