i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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