Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Never underestimate the power of titties
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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