Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
