There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
