Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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