Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Randomize
