no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
