My Higher Power is John Stamos
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize