I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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