The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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