The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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