I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
