I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize