things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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