The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize