I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
