The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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