He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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