I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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