Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
