seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize