Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
