Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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