i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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