so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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