he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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