Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
