your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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