I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
