Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
