can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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