I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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