whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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