She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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