While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
