Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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