I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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