It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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