Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
