between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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