no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
