im drinking this country out of the recession.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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