I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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