We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
