Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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