he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
